The CIA World Fact Book: The United State of Richard

Flag Description– A blood red background. In the foreground, Evil Knieval is jumping a school bus full of nuns, puppies and retarded children over a flaming pit filled with poisonous vipers, landmines and polar bears.

National Anthem – Cherry Pie by Warrant

Government Type – Despotism

Territory – Bedroom, half of a bathroom.

Natural Hazards: Occasional flooding from bathroom region.

Population: 1 (Last census taken 10 minutes ago).

Birth Rate: 0
Death Rate: .1

Chief Exports – Slave labor, poo, empty beer cans.

Chief Imports – Beer, Peanut Butter, Santita’s Corn Chips.

GNP - >$15,000
GDP - >$15,000

DRE – Snoop D O double G

Natural Resources: Wall-to-wall carpet, bitching office chair with armrests, 12” color TV.

Currency: US Dollar, pocket lint

Financial Assets: ING bank account with $.37, checkbook

Military Assets: CO2 powered pellet gun

Forecast for Near Future: This country is fucked.

God I Hate the Internet

40 Funny Reasons Why It's Wonderful To Be A Woman
40 Fucking Reasons Why I Gate My Inbox and the Things People Put in it

1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
This reason is fucking stupid because who goes travels by ship? Also, this is assuming that everybody is not panicking. When Saigon was evacuated there were stories of fights to get on a plane and how there would be 120 guys and 3 women on board.

2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.
Maybe. But if she’s hugging her friend and a guy is around to see it he’ll wish they were gay.

3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
They picture their wallet instead.

4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.
I have seen so many drunken women peeing where they’re not supposed to it’s not even funny. Okay, it’s a little funny.

5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.
Some might think she’s just a dirty tramp.

6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time.
False. Women are terrible drivers no matter how hard they concentrate. Women also cannot shut up.

7. Women live longer than men.
This is becoming untrue. Thanks to equality and the equal rights movement more women are going into the workplace and experiencing all the stresses and hazards of working life that were formerly the bane of men’s existence.

8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.
Just show off your tits and no one will notice anything.

9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
If I disappear for two weeks my roommates would notice me not paying my rent.

10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).
Women might physically mature before men but that doesn’t mean they’re mentally mature. How many giggly women do you know? Way too many.

11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems.
Okay, what the fuck? How is being addicted to something that makes you fat and feel bad about your body a good thing? This is equivalent to a heroin addict saying "Man, it's a good think I'm addicted to smack because it makes life so much easier."

12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.
I happen to think that gay males are hilarious. I have no problem being around them.

13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
The only things you can determine by looking at a persons shoes are 1) How cold it is outside 2) If they’re at the gym or going to work 3) How much money they spend on shoes. If this is a full assessment of a person then please shoot me in the head now.

14. Women know the truth about whether size matters...
Men know the truth: That we have sex with you whether size matters or not.

15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
They can also put their car in the ditch.

16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
Pants? The ability to wear pants? Really? This is considered an exclusive right of women?

17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.
But can a woman go for five minutes without thinking about Oprah or her “Back Massager”?

18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Yes, but they do lust after Brad Pitt and George Clooney and a host of other celebrities they’ll never meet.

19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
So if you’re a woman it’s okay to be a complete psycho? Because you have breasts you have a free pass to be a fucking nut job? Where is that law?

20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
Thanks to equal rights there are a lot more female officers out there now. Try crying to her about it and see where it gets you.

21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.
No. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.
But men would watch women’s sports a lot more if they did.

23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.
If you caught your pubic hair in your zipper I bet it would hurt like hell.

24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.
No, they’ll think, “I bet she’s easy”.

25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake
I have to go back to the “Crying to get out of a speeding ticket” one to point out the logical inconsistency between the two.

26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.
No, if a man cries he got hit in the nuts by a line drive.

27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
Yeah, but they don’t know who to collect child support from. Unless they just pick the guy with the most money.

28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.
A mummy’s boy? What the fuck is that? As far as being a mama’s boy I’m sure it’s no worse than being a tomboy.

29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a short woman's complex.
This is a sincere question because I honestly don’t know the answer: Can women wear lifts 24/7/365 and for all occasions? Do women go to the gym and work out in heels? I've never seen this before.

30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
You could probably delete every cable channel except for Oxygen and whatever channel Oprah is on and most women wouldn’t ever notice.

31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.
Umm, who gives a fuck?

32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.
They can also make terrible decisions both quicker and cheaper than men.

33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.
I beg to differ. How many girls do you know with stupid dolphin tattoos on their ankles? Do you think they got those stone cold sober?

34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.
How do most slasher movies start? With a person getting bad directions from someone so they end up at a haunted house or something. Most men know this. That is why we don’t ask for directions; We like our heads connected to our bodies.

35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.
Trust me, in the winter it comes in handy.

36. Women don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.
That’s because they’re used to it.

37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.
For women, a new season means a whole new credit card bill.

38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.
Oh, sleeping with men makes them easy to control. How profound!

39. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.
Men don’t read the manual because we’re too busy scratching our nuts to give a shit.

40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.
Men can pee in a potted plant and kill it in a day.

Shit like these things piss me off. All they do is reinforce stereotypes that are no where near reality for millions of people. Because of magazines like Vogue and Mens Weekly bullshit like this is accepted as "conventional wisdom" by the mouth breathing masses.

Mr. Dell's Hash Browns have changed my life

Mr. Dell Foods - Hash Brown Division
Box 494
Kearney, MO 64060

Dear Sir or Madam:

I wanted to write to say that your shredded hash browns are probably the best I have ever had. I mean this sincerely. Whenever I’m feeling down and a little blue because my girlfriend won’t return my calls or lift the restraining order, I pull out a bag of your hash browns and fry them up. The scent they emit helps me to forget about the voices I keep hearing that everyone insists aren’t there. I know they’re real, but how can you convince everyone else that the North Korean agent who wants you to commit unspeakable acts in public places is not only real, but also lives inside your brain?

I won’t lie to you, kind representative of Mr. Dell Foods; I’ve led a rough life. In and out of nut houses and prisons for the majority of my life I’ve grown accustomed to being “institutionalized”. However, the one thing I could never stand while being a ward of the state were the god awful hash browns they would serve us. They were always limp, soggy and totally lacking in flavor.

I would curse the makers of those hashbrowns. I wanted to spit in their faces and call them failures. I wanted them to feel my pain. Until I discovered your hash browns I thought I’d end up in the electric chair before I’d ever get a chance to eat a good breakfast.

Sure, daddy was never around to love me, my relatives insist I am only capable of feelings like hatred or despair and, yeah, the judge might have called me a “deliberate, methodical and devious person devoid of any feelings toward his fello man; in short, he is a soulless monster”, but I can feel love. I insist upon that as fact because I love your hash browns! They never hit me or call me inadequate.

If I ever get off parole I’d love to arrange to come visit your potato factory. I’m sure it must be quite a wonderful land. I’ve even got my own paring knife I can bring with me.

Hope to see you some day soon.

Ghosting makes me feel so good...

Ghost riding is a new phenomena, a fad if you will, in which the driver will exit his still moving vehicle. While the vehicle moves under no ones control, the operator will do something stupid like sit on the hood or dance around like a jackass while his moron friend holds the camera.

Participants of "ghosting" say they do it because it is a cheap thrill.

I was just wondering what other activities could be made more intense through "ghosting"...

Ghost pooping
Ghost arc welding
Ghost skeet shooting
Ghost ironing
Ghost candle making
Ghost unicycling
Ghost ghost busting
Ghost studying

Board Games I'd Like to See

"Who Can Scream the Loudest?"

Based on: Catch Phrase, Pictionary

How it works: The contestants sit around in a circle while one person attempts to convey something. The object of the game isn't to say what the person is attempting to get across. The real object of the game is to scream answers as loud as possible and generally be a really horrible person. Bonus points to the person who shouts the same answer repeatedly, or with more energy each time. Super bonus points if the person who is acting it out waves their arms really intensely. Because, you know, that really helps get your point across.

"Let's End Our Friendship"

Based on: Sorry, Any game you can fuck someone over in

How it works: The object of this game is to create schisms in lifelong relationships. Brother against brother. Husband against wife. Peas against carrots. The game should make you pretty much want to kill whoever you're playing it with.

"Purgatory: The Board Game"

Based on: Catholicism

How it works: The board is just a dull black piece of cardboard. There are dice, but they have no markings on them. The game pieces sit in the middle of the board. The first person to see God wins.

Notes on the State of the Greek Life

There's trouble a brewin in these here dunes. No, not the sand dunes. We're talkin poon dunes which consist of 90% poon, 5% KY jelly, 3% retarded greek print short shorts and 2% filler. These dunes are just heavenly if one is partial to tanning beds, Oprah Winfrey and low-sodium Saltines.

"Did you know that women shit themselves while giving birth?" the prickly professor asks.

I didn't know that and the poon dunes didn't know that, either. Now they know it and it upsets them.

"That's so gross!" the inhabitants of the poon dunes shout at the top of their mentholated lungs.

I suppose it is rather upsetting. Why would you let some hulking frat-bra wiggle his thingy in your hoo-haa just to birth an 8lb sentient potato out of you snatch while evacuating your bowels all over the hospital floor?

"Sick-bra!" says Dipshit Donnie, Beta Alpha pledge 06, majoring in business and minoring in serial date rape.

Yes-bra, it is a sick sad world we weary souls inhabit. Whether it's the poon dunes where the midnight howls pierce your eardrums or the torture room in the basement of your frat house, there is no escaping the stupid horrors this mongoloid race thrusts upon itself.

My chat with fightculbreth

So the setup is simple...

I'm sitting here, reading a book when my AOL IM pops up with a message from somebody named fightculbreth. How he got my screen name is indeed a mystery. His explanation of finding it on Google Image Search made no sense whatsoever.

At first I thought that fightculbreth was the alias of one of my brothers internet friends who'd come to test my wits. Instead, I realized that this was the genuine article. I pressed on with cruel results...

fightculbreth: hey
lopsidedtestical: hi
fightculbreth: hey
fightculbreth: u know what
fightculbreth: u know what
lopsidedtestical: ?
fightculbreth: u really shouldn't put ur friends screen names up on google image that's where i found urs
lopsidedtestical: I didn't know that I did
fightculbreth: how old r u
lopsidedtestical: 16
fightculbreth: im 15
fightculbreth: u go 2 school
lopsidedtestical: nope
fightculbreth: me neither
lopsidedtestical: thats cool
fightculbreth: i dropped out now i bang
lopsidedtestical: you bang?
fightculbreth: what about u
fightculbreth: yeah i do
lopsidedtestical: I guess you could say I have a pro bang agenda
fightculbreth: so dont think it is cool
lopsidedtestical: I think that banging is an important part of American society
fightculbreth: i bang folk
fightculbreth: where u live
lopsidedtestical: Des Moines
lopsidedtestical: how about you?
fightculbreth: north carolina
lopsidedtestical: I live in a house made out of corn
fightculbreth: wtf u stupid
lopsidedtestical: no, I do
fightculbreth: r u mentally challenged
lopsidedtestical: everything here is made out of corn
lopsidedtestical: no
fightculbreth: i dont talk 2 lil kids
lopsidedtestical: yes you do
lopsidedtestical: you're talking to me
fightculbreth: fuck u
lopsidedtestical: wanna play jacks?
fightculbreth: i bang on ur ass mother fucker
fightculbreth: 919-folk
lopsidedtestical: as in "queer as folk"?
fightculbreth: folk nation
lopsidedtestical: because we don't believe in homosexuality here in the great state of iowa
fightculbreth: its a gang mother fucker
lopsidedtestical: oh
lopsidedtestical: sorry, we don't have black people in Iowa
fightculbreth: fuck u
lopsidedtestical: sorry, it's true
lopsidedtestical: we keep inviting them to our state but I think they're allergic to corn or something
fightculbreth: let me ask u sutin
lopsidedtestical: yes fightculbreth, you may ask
fightculbreth: u racist
lopsidedtestical: NO!
fightculbreth: sure
lopsidedtestical: I love all of God's people!
fightculbreth: lol
lopsidedtestical: except Samoans
lopsidedtestical: they are the filth of the earth
fightculbreth: hu
fightculbreth: what
lopsidedtestical: fat, sweaty creatures who clog our toilets and defile our bibles
lopsidedtestical: you know, Samoans
fightculbreth: what ever
lopsidedtestical: people from the islands of American Samoa
fightculbreth: o
lopsidedtestical: did you ever see that movie unnecessary roughness?
fightculbreth: no
lopsidedtestical: because there was a Samoan in that...
lopsidedtestical: how about "three ninjas kick back"?
fightculbreth: lol i dont wach dat stupid shit
lopsidedtestical: oh
lopsidedtestical: how about "Ugly Betty" the television show?
lopsidedtestical: that is the number one rated sitcom in Iowa
fightculbreth: lolollololol
lopsidedtestical: did you know that they tried to elect her govenor of Iowa?
fightculbreth: dont give a fuck
lopsidedtestical: but she declined due to the fact that she believed there to be Samoans in our midst
lopsidedtestical: she was clearly mistaken, but still we love her
lopsidedtestical: are there Samoans where you live?
fightculbreth: north carolina united states
fightculbreth: no they aint
lopsidedtestical: EXCELLENT! :-)
lopsidedtestical: Another pure state in the union
lopsidedtestical: I wish I could go to North Carolina and bask in its non Samoan beauty
fightculbreth: g2g
lopsidedtestical: okay
lopsidedtestical: watch out for those portly Samoans!
fightculbreth: god damn shut up wit da samoans
lopsidedtestical: oh no, I knew it...
lopsidedtestical: YOU'RE ONE OF THEM AREN'T YOU!
fightculbreth: what
lopsidedtestical: >:o GO AWAY!
lopsidedtestical: LEAVE MY PEOPLE ALONE SAMOAN MENNACE!
fightculbreth: what da hell r hey
lopsidedtestical: YOU CANNOT HAVE MY TABLE SCRAPS BAD SAMOAN MAN!
fightculbreth: u fuckin hoar, slut bich pussy
fightculbreth: kill yo ass
lopsidedtestical: THIS IS THE SPEACH OF A VILE SAMOAN!
fightculbreth signed off at 5:26:29 PM.

Mercifully, this appeared to be the end of my conversation with fightculbreth. At least, until he signed back on 6 minutes later...

fightculbreth signed on at 5:32:09 PM.
fightculbreth: fuck u
lopsidedtestical: no
fightculbreth: u like talking dirty
lopsidedtestical: we're taught not to do things like that in Iowa
lopsidedtestical: www.gabenewell.com
fightculbreth signed off at 5:46:45 PM.

For those who don't know, gabenewell.com is a malicious website. Upon opening it, Internet Explorer begins opening repeatedly to the same site. There are pictures of men fellating each other and a voice shouts repeatedly "I'M LOOKING AT GAY PORN!" The only way to get rid of it is to reboot your computer...

fightculbreth signed on at 5:47:30 PM.
fightculbreth: u sick fuck u gave me pop ups
lopsidedtestical: =-O
lopsidedtestical: sorry!
lopsidedtestical: that was the wrong website!
lopsidedtestical: I apologize
fightculbreth: there were fuckin dicks with mud up on them on ur web page
lopsidedtestical: that's not my webpage!
lopsidedtestical: That was an honest and sincere mistake! I swear! You must believe me!
fightculbreth: o yeah there was
lopsidedtestical: http://thewillpower.org
lopsidedtestical: that is my website
fightculbreth: yeah right like im gonna click on dat
lopsidedtestical: you should fightculbreth
lopsidedtestical: its a rocking good website
lopsidedtestical: 8-)
fightculbreth: what da fuck there were a man suckin his dick u sick mother fuckin cock ass bitch
lopsidedtestical: NOW THAT IS MY WEBSITE!
fightculbreth: u sick fuck
fightculbreth signed off at 5:52:57 PM.